Homeless in Arizona

I am a rock!!!

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry software to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

When I was growing up as a small child I had two things happen to me a lot.

The first were the beatings.

I got beat a lot with a belt. When you are a small child it is very terrifying to be beat with a belt by a huge adult. Those beatings still haunt me today.

Yes the welts and bruises from the beatings go away in a few days, but the terror remains inside you.

Most of the times the beatings were not for some major crime I committed, but for so trivial thing I did. Acting funny, whatever that is. Or saying hi wrong. Just what is saying hi wrong?

The the second thing was I was always told that I was a worthless piece of sh*t and that I would never amount to anything.

When you are a very small child and your dad tells you stuff like that you believe it and it becomes a self fulling prophecy.

Now if you tell me I am a worthless piece of sh*t I will write YOU off as being an *sshole and a jerk, and ignore the insults you are giving me.

But I still believe the stuff that I was told when I was a very small child that I am a worthless piece of sh*t.

Yes, I know it's not true, but it was burned into my brain as a small child and I believe it, even it it's not true.

When I was a little kid I never made friends with people, because I knew I was a worthless piece of sh*t and not good enough to be anybody's friend.

Of course as an adult I know the thing about me being a "worthless piece of sh*t" isn't true, but it's been burnt into my brain, and even if I know it's not true, deep down inside I still believe it's true and I still don't make friends, because after all I know I a a worthless piece of sh*t and not good enough to be anybody's friend.